Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
