yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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