I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
