I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
