I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
