Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
