it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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