Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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