Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize