I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
