My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
