so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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