Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Randomize
