i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
