There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
