The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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