OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
