I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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