Barsexuality is the new black.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
