Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
There are leaves in my underwear?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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