Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
