What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
where are my eyebrows?
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