I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
