so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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