Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
