Umm I'm too high to move.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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