More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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