We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
