In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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