I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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