just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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