Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
