the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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