You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
