I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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