He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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