I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
