Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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