if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize