Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
