beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
