I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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