Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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