you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
