He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
