FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize