I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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