FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Randomize
