Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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