I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
