Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
