So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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