so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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