We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
