That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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