So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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