Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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