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New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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